Mother, Father, Family

Track 4: Mott the Hoople "I Wish I Was Your Mother"


I scream at you for sharing
'n I curse you just for caring
I hate the clothes you're wearing, they're so pretty
'n I tell to not to see me
'n I tell you not to feel me
'n I make your life a drag, it's such a pity

'n I watch your warm glow palin'
'n I watch your sparkle fadin'
As you realise you're failin', cos you're so good
Now I don't mean to upset you
But there's so much crime to get through
If only I could make it easier, then I would

Oh I wish I was your mother
I wish I'd been your father
'n then I would have seen you
Would have been you as a child
Played houses with your sisters
And wrestled with all your brothers
And then who knows
I might have felt a family for a while

It's no use me pretendin'
You give and I do the spendin'
Is there a happy ending, I don't think so
Cos even if we make it
I'll be too far out to take it
You'll have to try and shake it from my head

Oooooh I wish I was your mother
I wish I'd been your father
'n then I would have seen you
Would have been you as a child
Played houses with your sisters
And wrestled with all your brothers
And then who knows
I might have felt a family for a while


I often daydream of Bill as a boy, I relish in the stories of his childhood. I fell in love with a little boy with nervous tics and odd obsessions. When he told me of how when he was little and wanted to grow up to be a secretary I knew that little boy was the core of the man I wanted to spend my life with, be a family with. He would hide any pencils, paperclips, staples, odds and ends under his bed that he thought would someday be needed for his occupation. I love this little boy I never knew. And even now, the pictures of a small child with the same eyes I have around the house are too much to look at. 


I'm floating in the middle of an ocean at night with no lights to direct me towards something and no land to look for. I tread water and all I need is anything to focus on to get me to a place, anyplace. A life raft is floating near, but the waves are puling us apart. Every time I get close another wave crashes over me with such force I feel planets apart, reeling. 
All I need is that raft. 
All I need is my family. 
All I need is my Bill. 


But instead, I float in an ocean of pictures, clothes, memories, records, curios, and stories. There is no life raft. I'm simply treading while the boy with familiar eyes watches.


At least we felt a family for a while.  

Waiting For The One

Track 3: Nick Cave "Are You The One I've Been Waiting For?"


I've felt you coming girl, as you drew near 
I knew you'd find me, cause I longed you here 
Are you my destiny? is this how you'll appear? 
Wrapped in a coat with tears in your eyes? 
Well take that coat babe, and throw it on the floor 
Are you the one that I've been waiting for? 

As you've been moving surely toward me 
My soul has comforted and assured me 
That in time my heart it will reward me 
And that all will be revealed 
So I've sat and I've watched an ice-age thaw 
Are you the one that I've been waiting for? 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/nick+cave/are+you+the+one+that+ive+been+waiting+for_20100068.html ] 
Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built 
Out of longing great wonders have been willed 
They're only little tears, darling, let them spill 
And lay your head upon my shoulder 
Outside my window the world has gone to war 
Are you the one that I've been waiting for? 

O we will know, won't we? 
The stars will explode in the sky 
O but they don't, do they? 
Stars have their moment and then they die 

There's a man who spoke wonders though I've never met him 
He said, 'he who seeks finds and who knocks will be let in' 
I think of you in motion and just how close you are getting 
And how every little thing anticipates you 
All down my veins my heart-strings call 
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?


I remember when I met Bill thinking he was the kind of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Little did I know he was the one. 


I remember being a little girl and wondering who was out there waiting for me. I wrote love letters to my future husband and over the years solidified what I wanted in that persons character (mainly by dating and learning quickly what I did not want). It was exciting to think this person was out there, somewhere, becoming the person I was bound to love and in a deep way I already loved him. I believe in soulmates and always have. I have seen evidence in my life they do exist. 


This song breaks my heart because I so whole-heartedly identify that feeling of such a deep sense of longing and also with the realization when you do find the one how earth shattering it is. For many years I confused chaos with passion and turbulence with a test of love. I had no idea there was any other way until Bill came along. My heart was truly rewarded by the revelation of our destiny. That destiny is we were the ones that we had waited for. 


Star's don't explode in the sky, but every moment Bill was in my life was lit by love. Pure and simple. He still shines, sometimes so brightly I'm blinded. My veins flow with love and my heart-strings do call out for him. 


And now I'm back to waiting. I'm waiting for the one I've always waited for. I'm waiting until we meet again on some cosmic plane. I'm waiting for the honeymoon we never got to take. When we meet again, we'll honeymoon among the stars. I'll kiss every inch of his beautiful face, hold his hand, and my heart-strings will finally quiet.  

Never Tear Us Apart

Track 2: INXS "Never Tear Us Apart"

Don't ask me
What you know is true
Don't have to tell you
I love your precious heart

I
I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

We could live
For a thousand years
But if I hurt you
I'd make wine from your tears

I told you
That we could fly
'Cause we all have wings
But some of us don't know why

I
I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never ever tear us apart

I'll never forget the moment I met Bill. Most people wouldn't get our sense of humor, but let's just say our first meeting ended up with Bill putting me in a headlock. It didn't take long for me to recognize what a precious heart he had. His capacity for love was immense. His love for his close friends was obvious, pure, and unbreakable. 

Our world's collided the moment we met. And our worlds continued to collide as our love grew. When we finally were in the same city our worlds became one with such ease. Nothing and no one could ever tear us apart. He had my back no matter what and I would fight to the death to protect his precious heart. 

He never hurt me until he left. It wasn't his fault, but his absence hurts more than any pain I've ever known. I've cried enough tears to fill thousands of boxes of wine and his Bill Miller's mug would never run dry. 

Our world's still collide. It's the little things that knock the breath out of me. When I first returned home seeing groceries we shopped for together in the refrigerator was like finding him all over again. The records we bought a few days before he died still sit in the plastic packaging and it stabs me in the heart. 

And though we a separated by time and space, they could never tear us apart.

It's Magic...

Track 1: Jonathan Richman "A Higher Power"


It's magic It's magic the way we got together,
There's magic around us in the air
It's magic It's magic, no not at random
And there must be a higher power somewhere.

I know that magic is an easy word to condemn,
But I've tried other girls and I wasn't made for them,
And I knew it from afar in that lonely rock and roll bar
That there must be a higher power somewhere. Go.

It's magic It's magic the way we got together
It's magic as if it was ordained
It's magic It's magic, no not by chance,
And there must be a higher power I'm saying.

I know that magic is an easy word to abuse
But I've tried other words but what words can I use
And I knew it from that first kiss so stingy and so spare
That there must be a higher power somewhere.

It's magic It's magic the way we got together
It's magic It's justice, it's grace
It's magic It's magic, no not at random
And there must be a higher power some place.

They say that magic and the science world collide
But Einstein saw me looking at her and he joined my side
And I knew how it would be the way she hated me
And there must be a higher power somewhere

It's magic It's magic the way we got together
It's magic It's freedom, it's fair
It's magic It's magic no not at random
And there must be a higher power somewhere.


It was magic. 
There's no other word. We knew each other for years and years and it didn't arrive a moment too soon or a minute too late. It was magic 
when I received that text in January of 2010 that simply read 
"So you know i've been in love with you for the last 10 years, right?". 
And that's when the friendship we had for years was transformed. It was not at random. It was justice and grace. 


Being in Bill's presence was magical. He knew what words to say. He knew the right moment to touch me. We could look at each other and know. After giving several "pet" names a go, it was magic when he would simply call me by my name, "Lauren". I loved the way he would say it, as if he was the only one who could truly call my name.


It is magic.
It's magic that we spent such a great weekend with his family and friends before his death. It's magic he missed one dirty tee shirt in the bottom of the laundry basket so I would have something to hug at night. It's magic he kissed me on the cheek in the middle of the night before he passed. It's all around me. It still is magic. It's magic I could stop crying long enough to be able to smell him the last time I saw him. It's magic he passed in his sleep. 


There must be a higher power somewhere.